Pat Progressive

Zir awakes at 6:00 AM and takes out his coffee permit, punches a hole in the tag and swipes it in his Coffee Pot. The cup fills, for water conservation purposes unable to hold more than 8 oz of water, with coffee that by law cannot to be heated beyond 110 Farenheit.

Because zir currently has no job, it must, by law, undergo sex conversion therapy, since its hormone balances gave it an unfair advantage in finding manual labor jobs.

After a hearty breakfast of grey NutroGov goop, an FDA created tube of paste that is the only food allowed in America because it offends nobody, is non allergenic, gluten free, harvested from the excrement of a bacteria created in a lab in California proven to provide each Petri Dish an hour of therapy per day, Pat walks outside, but not for too long because the CO2 exhaled out doors affects climate change and also the sunlight gives him an unregulated amount of vitamin D, providing an unfair advantage over agorophobic hermits.

Three miles later(walking, cars are banned, and bicycles travel too fast and can startle small children).  Pat reaches the checkpoint. Here Pat shows his papers and rehearses the principle tenets of every religion in the world except Christiniaty. He forgets the name of the main deity in Zoroastrianism and is fined $100. Luckily Pats check from the government shows up that day so Pat can cover the balance. It’s okay, conservatives, Pat gets the government check because he is in the military.

At the military base Pat does his job, Pats MOS is 11b, Infantry. Pat goes to dangerous parts of the world and talks to people about their parents and gives back massages to enemies of America to soothe them. Pat loads up his M-16 moisture dispenser and goes to the range to practice dispersing similar amounts of ointment to various body parts. The newest recruits are there,  a great day for the military, for the first quadraplegic wheelchair bound citizen has qualified as an Aircraft Mechanic. On the parade ground soldiers are sitting peacefully at parade rest, over head a bird flies. There are no airplanes because oil is banned.

The nation is at war. Five teenagers found a book from 2010, a dark time when angry mean people had control, and in it learned how to devise a terrible weapon called “a slingshot.” Holed up in a treehouse near the base, they wiped out an entire SEAL team, sending them into full retreat using forbidden, illegal weaponry. Commander Sanchez-Lufuipy-Freedom-Allydingez still has PTSD from the paper airplane that struck zir in the back as zir fled.

Outside on the dirt road(asphalt is reserved for neighborhoods of government officials) a construction team pushes Tonka Trucks back and forth, one of them, a young human of only twelve, asks to play with one of the barbie dolls another human has.

Obviously this ones parents are influencing gender roles from the dark past. Corrective surgery is the only option.

On the way home, a local news broadcast tower issues the weather broadcast. Across the road the conservative broadcast tower(dissenting viewpoints are only permitted on the subject of weather forecasts) decries the progressive prediction of 40% chance of rain, when in fact they should be saying a 60% chance of no rain. This keeps Pat informed from both sides of the political aisle.

At home with 18 cats, Pat switches to listen to some music. The song is “Blissful Noises”  twenty two hours blaring a single note in E. Pat closes the shutters on the windows to prevent unfair sunlight, and goes to the sleeping compartment. Pat must get sleep, in between the war next week with the teenagers and the big election between Candidate 1 and Candidate 2 (names policies and other information are banned as they provide unfair bias) there is much to think about.

This all in response to:


John Gray’s Essay: Day of a Republican: Joe gets up at 6:00 AM to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It’s noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad’s; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark.)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to.

After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show. The host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day)

Joe agrees. “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”


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