Nuclear Horned Dogs

What do premarital sex and killing dogs have in common? Narwhals, and here’s why. In the May 2009 Smithsonian Magazine , Abigail Tucker covers an intrepid team of scientists including Kristin Laidre catching Narwhal in the small Southwestern(Greenland) town of Nuuk.

The Narwhal is an elusive beast, spending six months of the year under the ice pack, catching air through cracks and venturing southward stopping at the Fjords only briefly. Similarly, the entity who killed Matt Steadman’s dog mysteriously appeared amidst the fjord of Hillary Clinton signs to kill his dog and move on. Like the purpose of the Narwhal’s horn, sometimes coated with green algae and at its base alive with sea algae, joked by Herman Melville to be ‘for opening letters’, everything about the killer of the dogs is unknown. Much as the Apothecary Society of London mistakenly included the Unicorn on their crest too late to realize the horns they used were from Narwhals,  the knee jerk reaction to blame any one cause or motive for the pooch’s death in this case may be equally misplaced.  Leading us to the real question: what is a Narwhals’ horn and how does it relate to the evangelical view on sex before marriage?

Joshua Harris clearly states that the danger in his book comes not from the content, or the words, but in the rigid boot camp clarity with which readers indoctrinated their kids. Keep in mind that Jesus himself started running around at around 30ish, so to wake up and tell your church friends, “hey, this 21 year old kid totally has all the answers”is a recipe for disaster. Unlike Abby the dog, who ingested neurotoxin, we humans have a bit of leeway in humans we trust and who we buy our powdered Narwhal Horn from. Even Martin Luther was given Narwhal (unicorn) horn as a medicine before his death, to let you know how it worked.  Liz Len, if that is her real name mentions unraveling the strands of the Gordian Knot. Well, if you want to reference the Gordian Knot you are going to have to cross reference cutting the Gordian Knot, which Alexander the Great did, using a sword, which was probably titled “Occam’s Razor.”

See, Narwhal meat is high in Vitamin C, and sailors who refused to eat the somewhat hazelnut flavored meat, which is caught when in pursuit of gonatus squid of the order Teuthida, caught scurvy and died like Martin Luther. Gonatus squid are pelagic and can be found as deep as 4,500 m under water, which, considering Narwhal researcher Mads Peter Heide-Jorgensen’s Narwhal transmitters broke at depths of  500 all the way up to 1,800m depth, where data seems to indicate Narwhals’ swim upside down, could be a sign that Narwhals plunge to untold depths, similar to the swimming depths of madness a human capable of killing someone else’s pet dog could plunge too. There’s just no idea what is going on in that brain.

During hunting season, the Inuit people trek across the ice to open cracks where the whales come up for air. To this day,no human has ever seen a Narwhal eat in the wild underwater. Similar to God’s divine plan for the universe, Narwhal dining habits remain a mystery. When we look at Joshua Harris’ book from 1997, we see only the Narwhals Horn, bobbing in the water as it comes up for air, and to infer great volumes from the paltry data of the page would be foolish. There is a gender bias, male Narwhals fetch $5,500 for qernertaq tuugaalik, $6,400 for angisok tuugaaq. Females, those without the tusk, qernertaq, fetch only $4,500. And that is the fee paid by the scientists who don’t even harvest the horn or meat, they catch and release. Think about it, the Narwhal Horn alone adds $1000 in value. Humans flock to confidence, and whoever can pin a solid reasonable tail on the donkey and declare out loud, “there, I fixed it” is bound to be lost sometimes. To complain about boundaries, such as “don’t touch the stove while it is on” smacks of a general fed upness hat no societal change can solve. Like Narwhal placebo, there’s no for sure cure to keeping yourself from getting pregnant, your car keyed, your dog killed. But like euthanizing your pup, which is sad, and whatever it is married couples do these days, which is awesome, there’s a lot of data that fails at depths of 1,800 meters where we can only suspect there are Narwhal swimming upside down because until we rent the Trieste  or James Camerons vertical torpedo there’s no way we could imagine cruising any deeper than 700m, the supposed maximum depth of an American Seawolf Attack sub. The Narwhals horn should always be suspect, in that it indicates our desire to mysteriously profit, or manipulatively infer the unknown. Anyway, I think I’ve made my point clear enough. Feel free to leave a comment and thanks for reading.



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