Whiskery Tango

This will make sense later.

Feral cats in New Zealand have devastated the bird and lizard populations, caused the extinction of at least six bird species and as a, result any cat found in the wild is euthanized. This goes back to one pregnant cat in 1894.

Now ask yourself, in your deepest, green peace-est heart of hippy hearts, right next to the patchouli oil and dredlocks, if you were a phantom floating around back in 1894 and you had the option to either smash that cat’s head in with a rock or stand by and allow wholesale slaughter of native fauna(the same as killing them with a rock yourself), which would you choose? That cat would be dead.

Let’s make it simpler, and keep the rock analogy because it is horrifying. Suppose you take that one momma cat and  kittens on one scale, and every animal they will kill in the next 122 years on the other side.  Weight them. Either put the eight cats in a burlap bag and throw them in the river, or put all the animals that will be killed by them into bags and toss them into the river, which would you do? You have to choose the cats, because no mortal could fit 122 years worth of bugs and birds into bags. Admit it, those cats would be in the river, even if you just humanely use a rock to smash heads in your arm would get tired and fall off before you got even halfway through the birds and lizards. For strict physical exertion, you have to choose cats.

Within the feline’s telos is the thrill of the hunt. To crouch in the underbrush and wiggle its hind two legs as it prepares to spring, retractable claws and cat reflexes that can send even hardened country dogs running for the farmhouse yelping in pain. They can sink into native songbird and dismember native mammalia with ease. Every diverse mammal dies and ironically only common field mice remain. A cat is the equivalent of a madman with chainsaw and hockey mask breaking into the symphony hall and vivisecting the Orchestra as it attempts to perform Prokofiev’s March for the Love of Three Oranges

Now, this strong language may irk people, but:


Woodpeckers have feelings too. Of course, after a feral cat murders them they don’t feel anything, but in consideration of suffering, it feels inappropriate to sanitize language when the subject is predation and dismemberment. Even the animals that survive feral cat attacks likely succumb to sepsis due to the oral bouquet of cat based germs. So maybe we could conscript an army of dentists for flossing every single feral cat in America.

For the record, even PETA thinks euthanizing feral cats is humane. To quote Ingrid Kirkman, President of PETA,on the subject of releasing cats back into the non-native wild:
“It’s no kindness; it’s because people feel uncomfortable with euthanasia. That’s understandable, but it’s no excuse.”

The problem with killing kitties, of course, is that they are cute.  But as SMU learned in 2015, cute animals still get fleas. Teas based Suthern Methodist University dealt with a massive backlash when public outcry against the idea of killing the feral cats exploded and the Ponies capitulated due to pressure. They had to termiNIX their work with a comprehensive plan to cleanse the campus and went with a re-homing group that allegedly puts feral cats in other home, but since every expert to the T agrees unless the feral cat is under 5 weeks old rehoming is impossible, they probably died anyway.  Let us save ourselves some trouble and, in a good, manly fashion, ask ourselves: is it time to start murdering kittens?

Hawaii is just now starting to see the kitty problem.

Confession, as one of the angry people who complained to SMU for daring to kill the cats,  an enlightening bit on NPR changed my mind resulting in having to to pull a Trump and pick a polarized hard line on the issue. We have only two choices: Execute Feral Cats for Bird Murder(Burder), or stare at dough eyed kitties while our protected endangered songbirds are destroyed. Even cat spay neuter experts acknowledge that spay and neuter programs do not work beyond a pat on the back feel good in the moment way.

Unfortunately, as I’m finding, it’s not proving to work at that scale. It’s just a really difficult endeavor.

Now right now there are some die hard ant-fact cat lovers who ignore how we treat literally every other invasive species out there who demand that TNR works(TNR is the humane way to say that they catch live cats and cut them up) but to them I ask, does a cat need any reproductive capacity to kill endangered songbirds? No. They need claws, teeth, and that is how I have found a solution.

What we need to do is use the Boy Scouts of America as an army to round up all 80 million feral cats in the United States over the summer and declaw, spay, neuter and remove all of their teeth. Then we release them back into the wild as adorable gummy cats for all the world to appreciate. And how are we gonna pay for this? Cat tooth jewelry. You’re welcome.





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