Lion El Richie

If you needed another reason to hate dentists you need look no further than Zimbabwe (8,978 miles)

Outside of the fact that our master hunstman must now escape the the clutches of a despotic third world hell hole, on the run with a high profile and a history offlaunting the law, this is the best news on the face of the earth.

It  brings up a good question: what is sportsmanship? Does it really count as a bow and arrow kill if you have to chase an animal 40 hours and finally bring it down with a rifle?

What are permits?

The best single issue in this whole mess is the ‘but it was legal’ argument. I have plenty of friends and I’m sure you do to who have fallen back on the “but it is legal” excuse. For instance, if  the person in front of you drops their wallet and its on the ground and they keep walking, you can pick it up and its yours, totally legal. You can cheat on your wife, marry siamese twins and divorce only one of them, and literally flay a chicken alive for poultry food purposes and it is totally 100% legal.

Hopefully, everyone who ever reads this finds at least one of the preceding options to be distasteful.

This is because “legal” really means, “Any less than this and we literally have to throw you in jail to keep you away from others.” From paying minimum wage to spiking a recovering alcoholics drink with vodka, there are a plethora of things that are totally, 100% crystal clear legal but are totally reprehensible and should never happen.

Whats more, not only is it “totally legal” it is also, “totally legal… in zimbabwe.”

So before you do anything ask yourself, “Is this legal in Zimbabwe” and then ask a second question, “Am I going to look like a putz if I do it anyway.”

I mean our Dentist wanted to really impress people, he’d have hunted a whole pride of lions and killed a female with a knife. It’s the female lion that does the hunting anyway. Then also he’d have some experience escaping a murderous predatory mob . He could really use that experience now.

Treatment on The Bachelard

Reality Show:

The Bachelard

Ten men team are paired up with attractive singles and must put on the most weight without the women leaving them.

Episode 1: Groundbreaking

The men compete with each other in various feats such as shooting arrows and running an obstacle course. Moving hilariously large blocks through holes that correspond to each block. The women are allowed to ask questions that the men must answer while hauling heavy blocks.

Then we can do all the personal interviews where women talk about themselves. The fix here is the men are never given the sort of interviews that the women get, so they will by nature be defined by their physical presence and not their personality.

At the end of the Episode the women can either pair up with the man of their choosing or let twitter decide by hashtag usage.

The women don’t know it, but the audience is told the women will be informed that the men are competing to be some kind of professional eater in a hot dog eating contest.

They are matched up and are allowed one date or whatever it is kids do these days.

Episode 2: the fix is on:

The woman are given a week to socialize and go on a cruise while the men are allowed to get to know each other. The most they are allowed to clue the women in on is that they are competing  with each other to eat the most.

So the inherent drama is that the men are not allowed to let the women in on the secret. There’ no punishment if they let the women on. I mean, I feel like the total loss of respect they generate by willfully wrecking their bodies for no reason is enough.

basically we’ll let the hollywood executives come up with the ridiculous silly competitions to waste time. But here is the point:

During the final stage of every episode, the women can take Five Thousand Dollars and dump the guy she is with.

This is exacerbated by the culmination of each episode, they must watch their men compete in a chili dog eating contest. An increasingly corpulent men, eating chili dog after chili dog, the beautiful women staring in horror as their men sweat and chili runs down their chins and onto their shirts, the audience gets to watch as the men wreck their body and their dignity before the eyes of the women who are trying to not be disgusted by watching a herd of men wolf down chili dogs under hot lights on a stage.

The Bachelard.

All the music must be ranchero music.